Oh pancakes

This is going to be difficult.

Colonization isn't all that funny.

And I can't even use my book! Curses.

AHA! I know what I'll do. I'll rewrite Pocahantas! ...I think Disney made it into a book.

Wow...I did that and it totally summed the movie up...Kind of. You know what I think my work was pretty darn funny so I'll post it and say that's my blog. And don't get me wrong...I love the movie, but I couldn't help myself. I'll just use this as my 'MLA' -coughcoughcough- citation...I sense failure coming my way...I mean...I was creative and interperted the Disney movie with the history of Pocahontas's life...Yes. Exactly.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocahontas


Once upon a time there was a woman named Pocahontas, well in reality she was a little girl but age isn’t all that important so we’re going to ignore it. Anyways, she was very pretty and had long flowing hair that blows in the wind, and even in the absence of wind. Pocahontas enjoys jumping off of 500ft. cliffs, talking to shape shifting trees, and breaking out into song.One day she met a man named John Smith, luckily for her John Smith also happened to be very pretty. His blonde hair does not have the power to randomly blow in the absent wind, but it does have the power of never being messy. Even after people shove him around or he dives into the ocean to save those ugly morons he sails with. John Smith likes guns and little girls...I mean nice well aged woman.

Anyways, back to story. So Smith convinced the Pocahontas to meet him in the woods several times, not like that’s shady or anything and they talk and bond. That must be pretty interesting since neither of them can speak the other’s language, but then again seducing innocent children-Erm, love knows no bounds! Especially when catchy songs about not being racist are being sung and danced to!So while Smith and Pocahontas talk in the woods there’s a fat evil guy who has pigtails held together with cute little bows trying to find a bunch of gold. Somehow he gets the idea in his head that the Native Americans have all the gold. We’re not sure how he made that jump, but he did. It probably has to do with all the fumes from the purple dye he uses to dye every inch of his clothing, other then his cape. Instead, it’s a manly pink!

Back to our slightly creepy lovers. Smith keeps convincing Pocahontas to meet him in the woods (shady as ever) and her friend is concerned about her. FOR GOOD REASON! Think about it...Meeting up late...In the dark...In the woods...With a guy. If there were more friends like this there would be a lot less crime in the world. Unfortunately the friend sends the guy who wants to marry Pocahontas which wasn’t really smart.He ends up going into a jealous rage and trying to kill John Smith, who is saved by his lackey Thomas. I think Thomas was jealous of Smith so he was really aiming for him, but whatever.

If you watch the clip it doesn’t seem like the Jealous/Angry lover gets shot...But he certainly does die so I guess he gets shot somewhere...I mean they only show from the waist up so his heart and head didn’t get shot, so what could’ve brought-...Moving on.

He dies and the Native American’s take Smith prisoner. Thomas is apparently too much of a loser to actually admit to what he did and take the punishment...Either that or Smith decided he didn’t really feel like running right then, and would go for it later. Too bad for him a bunch of Native Americans get there first.

So then the colonist (oh yeah the blog topic!) and the Native American’s break out into song because that’s what most people do before war/execution. Nothing gets you in a blood thirsty mood like singing.

And Smith is about to die but then Pocahontas jumps on him (told you those woods activities were shady) and tells her dad not to kill him.

So he doesn’t.

Forgetting all the pain they’ve been caused they decide to let him go. Which was good since he didn’t do anything really...They should’ve gone after Thomas but whatever.

Then Mr. Manly Red Bows gets all angry and tries to shoot the chief. Oh yeah, because that’ll get everyone on your side. Starting a war so people can watch their friends die, mhmm that’s the way to rally everyone.

Luckily Smith realizes Pocahontas expects commitment so he leaps in front of the chief and gets shot instead. Earning him a ticket back home to London...Which doesn’t make sense...”Yes, let’s send the almost fatally injured man on a several month journey in the rough and unpredictable sea, which will most certainly guarantee his safe return.”

Then they wave goodbye and it’s depressing because that’s the end of all the random epic song singing...Until the sequel with a much more feminine version of John Smith named John Rolfe. Let’s not get into him though.